A conversation with a dear old friend tonight has gotten me thinking about sex. While I think about sex as much or more than the next person, sex as a moral institution fascinates me. We have a culture that walks around sex, enjoys it but feels funny talking about it, needs it but represses it. We have rules for sex, many coming from common sense rules about disease and the bible, which was a great book for wandering tribes of goat herders to follow the laws of.

Today, however, many of the rules are just plain silly. We have our marriage rules, regarding polygamy and adultery, when these things should really be up to the people involved, not the government. Why should someone else get involved if my wife sleeps with another man? What if I don't mind? What if I like it? What if I don't believe in having just one wife? What if my three wives like sharing me as a husband, and enjoy the company and convenience of other women in the same family unit? Why is this anyone's concern but those involved? Why is it illegal?

The above examples are radical; I don't like marriage, and I don't think I’ll ever get married (take a look at my previous entry on my thoughts of marriage). Why does the government still think they have the right to say what I can and can’t do in my house, if it’s not hurting anyone? Why can’t my gay friends in committed, loving, long term relationships have the same benefits of will, recognition, and finance as any two people of a male/female couple who go to Vegas on a whim? Why can’t my example polygamous group have the same rights? Why are these things so ingrained in our society? Why haven’t they changed yet?

My conversation also reminded me of my recent moral dilemma of sexual relations. I enjoy sex and sexual activity. A LOT. I mean…really. I do. By myself, with others, naughty, kinky, loving, sensual, funny, passionate, and just for relief – I love it. But my culture tells me I’m supposed to have one partner I’m “dedicated to” and will “love forever”. Depending on who in the culture and where in the county, any sex that isn’t in the missionary position, in order to produce children, without any pleasure is all I’m supposed to have. Fuck that. I’m young. There are many things I haven’t tried. These things won’t hurt my partner or me. My current girlfriend doesn’t happen to like those things. She thinks it’s fine for me to try these things with other people, as long as I’m safe, honest with her about what I did, and don’t start any families. But if I let that get out, we all of a sudden have a “weird”, “non committed” relationship. Why do you care?

The stigma with sex surrounds us all the time. Many people act out their fantasies, and they’re “once in a lifetime” kinda events. They shouldn’t have to be. We should be able to do as we please without having to sneak around, set up a date and time, and otherwise arrange the event so as the word won’t get out. If the world knew I liked masturbation more than sex much of the time, I’d get labeled. I wish I didn’t have to keep things so bottled up.

I also with there was a greater distinction between sex and what we’ll call “making love” for lack of a better term. Sex is...well…sex. Copulation. Getting off. Having fun. Making love is about being intimate with someone, sharing intense feelings and emotions, bonding on a physical and spiritual level and adding dimension to an already close relationship. A lot of people would tell me that the two should always be the same thing, and the only the person I’m married to should I have sex with. Others would go a step further and tell me I should never just “have sex”, I should make love.

I want a separation. Sex is wonderful. As stated above, I love it and its related activities, and there’s much more I want to try. I won’t go into all of my fantasies here, but it’s a long list and varied, and would involve at least a few different people (though not necessarily at the same time). I see some people on the street and I think to myself that I’d like to experience them sexually. I’m male. I’m sure it’s both cultural and biological that I think about sex in this way, and I don’t have a problem with it. In a more open culture I might ask that person if they’d be interested in what I want. They might or might not, and in said perfect, open world, we could either act or go on our ways, neither one of us feeling violated or embarrassed. There are friends I want to be with sexually. Older people. Younger people. All sorts of people. I want consensual sex without feeling as if someone has to be “just a friend” or “just a lover”.

I also want to be able to make love to someone without having to have intercourse (or even a physical relationship of any sort), and without feeling guilty. To some extent I’ve done this; there are many people in my life I’ve very close to and have shared very intimate moments with, and we never touched or had sex. I’ve cried and laughed, become angry for and closer to many friends. I can count a few people I’ve “made love” to without being sexually intimate with, mostly through shared secrets and exchanges of soulful thoughts. Many partners would find this practice disagreeable; to share such things with someone who’s not your spouse is a form of cheating. I’m lucky in that my girlfriend and I encourage this kind of relationship with other people, we think it strengthens us as people and in our relationship. But, just as with sex, admitting it will open you up to having to explain yourself to people who really have no business there.

My girlfriend and I have an interesting, open relationship with each other that I’ve never experienced before, and I like it very much. We decide what is and isn’t appropriate in our relationship. We’re honest with each other and we communicate well. We have love. That doesn’t mean, however, that she or I couldn’t experiment on the side with another person, or that we can’t have close, deeply emotional relationships with someone other than ourselves. Just as one of the reasons I don’t like marriage is because of government involvement doesn’t belong in my relationship, my sex life is my business. I want to have sex with a lot of people and try a lot of naughty things. I want to make love to a woman without even having to know her name or what she looks like. This is my business, and the rights and responsibility should belong to me, my partners, and no one else.