jozjozjoz.com :: brain barf

Another Bachelorette party... this time with mostly naked guys

When my cousin had her bachelorette party last month & made it a spa day with dinner & dancing at the Sunset Room, I was so excited about going to the spa, I put a little countdown on my blog until the time for my massage.

On Saturday night, I attended the bachelorette party for my friend, who wanted to go to a male strip club. My idea of fun is NOT seeing sweaty, half-naked guys gyrate and grind themselves on my friends for dollar bills. However, seeing as I have the honor of being the Honorary Maid of Honor (don't ask) for the wedding, I had no choice but to go. Nonetheless, I did have a good time.

The evening started off with an early dinner at Maggiano's at The Grove/Farmer's Market. After a very yummy dinner, we headed to the strip club, where there were probably 6 different bachelorette parties going on. The Chippendales-esque show was held in WeHo at "The NEW Club 7969" (I haven't been there in years... the last time I was there, it was still Peanuts/Michelle's and I went on drag night where all the men were 100,000 times more beautiful than I!).

Here is a photo of the group of us at the male strip club. To protect the innocent, I've blocked out the faces of the bride-to-be and her friends. And in the case of the not-so-innocent (me), please keep to yourself how big my smile is in that photo. It was fun, ok? You should note that the "innocent" girls all have huge silly grins on their faces, too.

After the show, we headed to Miyagi's and did some dancing. The bride-to-be wanted to check out Beauty Bar, so we made an early exit. On the way to Hollywood, we stopped off at the Pleasure Chest so I could buy the bride & groom some fun stuff for the honeymoon. What a good Honorary Maid of Honor I am! (I should note that the bachelorette lucked out & didn't have to wear a veil, condoms, or penis paraphenalia because the stuff had accidentally been left at home.) I didn't buy my friend anything hardcore, but her little gift package included new lingerie, a set of edible bra and undies, a feather tickler, and some Motion Lotion. Oh and I bought her a Playgirl, so she wouldn't feel disappointed for not getting to see it "all" at the strip club.

We headed to Hollywood for Beauty Bar, but it was 1:30 and the line was out the door and around the corner & neither of us wanted to wait in line (I had to work on Sunday morning).

We called it a night and got to her home past 2am, beating the bachelor home by approx 15 minutes. By the time I got back to my home, it was almost 3:30 am. There is another story about what happened when I got home, but I will say that despite coming home with a feather tickler of my own from the Pleasure Chest, I did not stay up for anything fun.

JozWatch '03 - Mission Keanu Wrap-Up

I will say once again, that I am not one of those crazy-stalky fans of ANYONE, but Keanu happened to be on the lot where I work two days in a row & I thought it would be cool if I could get him to say hi to Krix.

I found out quite by surprise that Keanu was on the lot on the first day, when professoreric happened to see Keanu sitting outside my office (my office doesn't have a window, so I never know what's going on outside). After I missed Keanu by mere seconds, I found out from Krix that he was returning again to our lot the next day.

The second day I tried *once* to "run into" Keanu with my sign and digital camera, but it was not meant to be. As we were leaving for home, we passed the soundstage that Keanu's band becky was performing on the Orlando Jones Show. ProfessorEric and I stopped for a minute to take some snapshots for Keanuvision.

Click "sometimes we have to make our own fun" for the goods. Thanks to Krix for making me laugh.

Here is a picture of ProfessorEric...

The Genevieve Gallen ::jozjozjoz:: Summer 2003 Photo Series

NOTE: Comments at insignifica are closed.

Please visit the archives at http://www.jozjozjoz.com/archives/001022.php
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is another photo of Genevieve Gallen from our night out together.

This was taken in the same restaurant in Beverly Hills where we took our picture (although this was not the restaurant we had dinner in). Again, I verify that I was the photographer for this shot & no photoshopping was done except for some cropping & the addition of the watermark.

Someone had mentioned that in the Genevieve's picture(s) and put my name/website all over it and link back to her site. Nonetheless, we talked about it and I'm going to shift the words down a little so this illusion is not noticeable.

Feel free to link back to this link at jozjozjoz.com, but remember:
No use, re-use, copying or reproduction is allowed without our specific agreement and permission, not even for amateur use on the internet. Please respect the legal usage of these images. If you use Genevieve Gallen's images we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law.

You should know about my can of Joz-Whup-Ass™ by now. Don't even go there.

For some Thursday amusement...

Check out keanuvision & JozWatch '03 - Mission Keanu.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain (aka Genevieve Gallen Meets The Wizard of Joz™)

Since posting Genevieve Gallen's picture at the newstand earlier this week, people have been IMing, emailing, or even (in a couple of cases) calling me and asking to see more pictures of her. That picture of her at the newstand is so adorable & really captures her good humor and sense of fun. And seeing how it turned out made me feel like a professional model photographer for about 17 seconds. Of course, it certainly helps to have a great model!

Yvonne asked if there is one of Genevieve and me together... I had said that it was coming up next... So here 'tis! Thanks again to Genevieve for being so much fun to hang with & for letting me post pictures of her on this site!!!

From Genevieve Gallen and jozjozjoz's night out together in Beverly Hills...

Feel free to link back to this link at jozjozjoz.com, but remember:
No use, re-use, copying or reproduction is allowed without our specific agreement and permission, not even for amateur use on the internet. Please respect the legal usage of these images. If you use Genevieve Gallen's images we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law.

And don't forget, my can of Joz-Whup-Ass™ is poised and ready. Don't make me use it.

P.S.- Genevieve was the creative genius who came up with the Wizard of Joz™ moniker for me. When she wrote about her clicking her hot pink stillettos together and her 'Toto," I laughed so hard! I love it!

For Krix

Click on the picture for the story...

For the record, I am not a "fan" of Keanu.... but, I *am* a fan of krixalicious (of keanuvision).

I am a believer in RESULTS, dammit.

UPDATE: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON KEANU! Stop asking! Stop making fun of me! This is FOR KRIX! Don't make fun of Krix, either!

Shark bite

Happy Hump day!

And a big thanks to all of the JozJozJoz fans who visit this site daily! We hope you are enjoying all of our madness!

Today I'd like to post yet another Shark scoop™ on one of our site's favorite TV shows Boy Meets Boy.

Last we checked in on the mates in their plush Palm Springs digs, only Brian H., Franklin, and Wes remained in the hunt for James affection (and all expense paid trip to New Zealand!), but as we saw last week, our friends at Bravo! had one last twist to turn on unsuspecting James and his lush of a friend Andra, oh, did I just say that? Come on now, do you ever see the woman without a drink in her hand?? Can we say AA? Anyhow - Dani the hostess with no personality what - so - ever filled our poor little doe eyed James in on the big secret - that one of the remaining mates was straight! Oh the horror! Did you all see the change in his expression? Priceless! To make things worse, he had to go and tell lushy slushy Andra that the big bad producers played a dirty little trick on them and snuck in a straight guy! Well as we all know, she freaked out and went ballistic! And of course it was "all about her" and that they (the producers) are making a big fool out of her by getting her to like these guys and "shoving them down your (James) throat". Sure Andra - it's all about you!

Moving on... quickly.... James goes on three 1on1 dates with the remaing mates and his objective is to figure out which one is straight and feeding him lies. James logic is ill thought out and warped so at the end of it all - he's still clueless to which one is putting the big act. Now we all sit and wait breathlessly until next week to find out who James selects as his remaining mate to fly off to beautiful New Zealand with....

SPOILER ALERT!!! Do not read on if you don't want to find out which mate James had the best "connection" with...

Yes, its Wes! Our favorite cupie-haired life-size doll.

But is he gay or is he straight or is he gay? Find out on the next episode of Shark Bites™

An open Reply to professoreric, Re: Re: our Extended Flirtation

(This was written as a response to professoreric's "open letter." If you haven't read his letter yet, please read his first before reading mine. Thanks.)

My darling professoreric,

The passion of our love grows stronger in each passing moment we are apart. We overcame Boss man's plan to separate us; our twice-weekly early morning (and don't forget) evening trysts prove that our adoration and tenderness for each other have prevailed.

Your consideration of my health and well-being make my heart flutter and my left earlobe twitch. I cannot deny that your thoughtfulness and attentiveness are two of the many reasons I love you so.

But you are right… for the sake of everything we’ve built together, we must put our affair on hiatus. In your absence, I promise to turn to Yoshi for comfort and love & am grateful for your call to action that the rest of my friends fill this gaping hole in my heart with their support.

I look forward to our more erotic IMs, eating our personal pan pizzas, and designing (telepathically) the orange campaign materials of the Genevieve Gallen for Governor of California movement.

Oh my precious grapefruit seed, I eagerly await your recovery so that we may walk the halls of our offices hand-in-hand again.

Your tiny salted preserved plum,

:: jozjozjoz ::

PS- I shall treasure your Sharpie & Post-it artistic renderings for all eternity.

An open Letter to Joz, Re: our Extended Flirtation

This is an open letter to Joz concerning our “extended flirtation”,

Joz, darling,

I don’t know what to do about our love. Boss man has already done his best to thwart it by separating us into two different offices, but that couldn’t stop our early morning rendezvous (at least twice a week.). Despite adversity, our love has done nothing but flourish, like the blue flowering chicory of our hearts poking through the tough asphalt of a public that wants nothing more but the demise of our passion. Oh Joz, and as if things couldn’t get any worse for us, suddenly I seem to be coming down with something, not a case of cold feet, broken heart, butterflies in the stomach, or any other ailment possibly found in Milton Bradley’s classic game “Operation”. No, this is some sort of cold, that because I am so sensitive to your health and needs, makes it so that I must put a stop to our Xerox breaks, kissing in front of the copier while the light from the scanner rolls back and forth, back and forth across our star crossed twinkling eyes. I must make an end to our water cooler wet T-shirt contests, and our “Lady and the Tramp” style spaghetti dinners. Am I being clear? Until I am in better health there is not recourse but to put our affair on hiatus. I also apologize to Yoshi who now must spend more time with you and give you the attention that I will not be able to provide at this time, for your well being of course. I hope that all of our friends who come across this open letter, can be there for you in these dire time of need. And to keep your spirits up, here is a list of activities that are still appropriate in our new situation: erotic IM’s, watching each other eat personal pan pizzas (romantically of course), telepathy, appreciation for the color orange, and of course pushing for the write in nomination (only if the recall goes through) for Genevieve Gallen for governor of California.

Oh my sweet moonpie, I hope you find a way to cope ‘til I am back to 100% good health.

Until then, my tiny salted preserved plum,

The (your) professoreric

Instead of couplet...

this day is so slow
and all of a sudden I feel kinda dizzy for no reason
is this your life?

My friend, same one from “apples and oranges”, wrote me this while once again chatting online. I thought it was seemingly deep. It makes me feel like I should be thinking. So this piece of found poetry will take the place of my Rhyming Couplet of the day. Call it a modified modern haiku.

One of the highlights of my weekend...

...was meeting and spending time with this wonderful, sweet, funny, smart, pretty lady & her adorable dog.

Here is a peek of what Genevieve Gallen and ::jozjozjoz:: were up to...

Feel free to link back to this link at jozjozjoz.com, but remember:
No use, re-use, copying or reproduction is allowed without our specific agreement and permission, not even for amateur use on the internet. Please respect the legal usage of these images. If you use Genevieve Gallen's images we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law.

I am not joking about this. Don't make me open up a can of Joz-Whup-Ass™.

UPDATE: As a response to Joelle's excellent questions... she's not the only one who asked them, but thanks for asking them publicly so I can reply publicly.

Joelle asked: "Is this an image that you added the signage to yourself or is this actually a sign that she's holding with your name on it?"

Joz says: This is an image taken by me this past weekend with Genevieve actually holding the sign. The only photoshopping done to this is the addition of the watermark and some cropping.

Joelle also asked: "aren't you being a wee teeny bit paranoid with the whole watermark and "fullest extent of the law" thing? ;) or that by her request?"

Joz says: Fair question! Part of the deal of me posting her pictures on my site is that they are watermarked to make it a headache for anyone trying to steal it and photoshop it. And the "fullest extent of the law" thing is wordage taken almost word for word from her website. And one of the reasons that this is reiterated is to discourage people from taking this photo and "adding signage," changing the words on the sign, etc. Oh, and I also wanted an excuse to threaten people with my can of Joz-Whup-Ass™.

NOTE: Comments at insignifica are closed.

Please visit the archives at http://www.jozjozjoz.com/archives/001013.php

Rhyming Couplet: #3

And here continues the saga of the rhyming couplets:

there would have been one more on friday, but the net was on the fritz (who's fritz?). Here is a new one.

Roses are red, and my ivy is dead
With all of that said, I am lost in my head

This couplet came to me for my own personal reasons this morning. What does it mean kids? Hmmm… is ivy a plant of a person, or a frog? And are roses even really red?

Have a Rice Monday!

It remains to be seen if Yoshi is actually in the mood to wish everyone a rice day, but this is what I saw at Don's this morning while making my blog rounds and I had to share...

I think it's the coolest that he saw that when he was in Phoenix & thought of snapping this... I LOVE IT! THANKS DON!!!

(Stop right there. No jokes about how good Yoshi tastes, please. Don't even go there. No. Don't.)

to hell with 'modern conveniences'

do you think anyone will read this over at verizon?

---letter begins here---

I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am with the ongoing issues I'm having with your billing department.

I became an Airtouch customer in 1998, and have had continuing service ever since. I did not complain when Airtouch was swallowed up by Verizon, nor did I say a word when my customer service hours were cut, my nights and weekend hours were reduced, and my paper statements were halted in lieu of online ones. I felt that these things were small in comparison to the benefits of having cellular service.

My view has somewhat changed in recent months, however, with the onset of monthly calls to and from your financial "services" department, informing me of payments that were overdue or credit cards being declined. I should note that I have participated in your auto bill pay service since June of 2001. In November 2001, I received my first letter stating that my credit card was declined for payment. I called and made a payment over the phone and thought nothing more of it.

I continued to have my payments debited from my account successfully until this past May, when I received another letter stating that my credit card had been declined. When I called to confirm that the correct card was being billed, I was informed that they could not verify the card number, only enter a new card number and pay the balance using the new credit card. What an absurd notion, the financial services department unable to verify the number of my credit card?

But I was then informed that it was not in fact my card that had been declined, it was a problem with the whole auto pay system, and that everyone who was signed up for auto pay had been somehow booted out of the system that month. I accepted this reasoning and then made my payment.

When VZServe was brought online, I signed up, thinking that this would make my life easier, being able to see my usage online and keep track of my minutes. I signed up and received a letter confirming that I’d reset my PIN. On July 14, I received a phone call from customer service stating that I’d not made a payment since May, which I thought strange since I had my confirmation number for the payment. I was now almost 2 months overdue and there was a chance that my service would be halted. The woman I spoke with said that she was unable to verify that I was indeed set up for auto payments, and that I should go online and verify that all of my information was correct. In a panic, since in my work it is imperative that my clients and my co-workers are able to contact me on my cell phone, I immediately checked my account online and saw that I was signed up for auto payments.

I called customer service again, and was told that I needed to contact financial services and was transferred to them. I was promptly disconnected and had to call customer service again, this time getting the phone number for financial services before I was transferred and then disconnected. By the time I was able to get through to financial services, more than 45 minutes had elapsed and I was now ½ an hour late for work. I spoke to a woman in customer service who insisted that I was not on your auto payment plan, and that I should sign up for it if I wanted to have the bills be automatically debited from my account. Or, if I wanted to insure that my payments were debited from my account, then I should fill out a request form and send it back. Not fully understanding her reasoning, I nevertheless agreed to send in a form and made my payment over the phone.

When I was going over my bank statement two weeks later, I found that my account had been debited the amount that was due on the 14th, $109.30, and again debited on the 17th, through the autopay service. Incensed, I phoned customer service and was transferred to financial services, disconnected and had to call back. I then spoke to an infuriating woman who was nice enough to put through the request for a refund, yet said the only way to prevent this from happening again would be to remove myself from the autopay system entirely, or not to make payments over the phone, because apparently there are two separate billing systems in place, and one cannot distinguish if a payment has been made on the other. In short, I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.

I then spoke to this woman’s supervisor, and after being on hold for 25 minutes, he explained that the system had once again failed and that for the month of June everyone on auto pay had been booted out of the system. He assured me that this was a rare occurrence and that I should not worry about my payments being made. Still somewhat disgruntled and more than an hour late for work, I accepted this story and hung up the phone.

Today, I received another letter stating that my account was past due. I tried to view my statement online only to find that I am unable to log into my account. So even if I wanted to make a payment, I am stuck until your system comes back online or customer service hours are in effect, whichever comes first. What will happen, I assure you, is that when I do have to call customer service, and have to be transferred to financial services, and get disconnected, and have to call back, I will be mean and nasty to whomever is unfortunate enough to be on the other side of the line, and I will make sure that his or her supervisor is brought in on the conversation, and I will not get off the phone until this situation is resolved, once and for all, else I choose to go with another carrier, who will charge me less money for more services and who will, in my estimation, be glad for my foolhardy loyalty to a substandard level of customer service, website functionality, and unwillingness to change my phone number, because they will seem like bloody saints in comparison to my opinion of verizon at this moment.

Up All Night... No Rhonda Shear, either.

No, it's just me... still working even though it's almost 4:30am.

The good news is that I'm making progress.

The bad news is that I'm still not done yet.

And I have dragon breath. Ew.

UPDATE @ 6:28am IN THE FORM OF A RHYMING COUPLET FOR THE PROFESSOR:

The sun is up and so am I.
I am so tired I could cry.

Instant karma's gonna getcha!

It was killing me (and professoreric) today at work because jozjozjoz.com was down all day. Ick!

We both had stuff we were dying to blog about & couldn't. Instead, I text messaged Yoshi, wrote an email to Shelli and then to Genevieve, and bugged everyone on my IM list at work with my incredible news.

That whole dissinvite drama this week really sucked... for anyone who missed it, what happened was that I was banned from going to a party... BANNED!

But, if you believe in karma, the funny thing is that I got an invitation this morning to go to the LA Area Emmys!!! Ok, so this is not the Primetime Emmys (the one with all the celebs) and it's not Playboy Mansion... but I never imagined I would EVER go to ANY Emmys & it's kind of cool to be able to say "I'm going to the Emmys!" ...AND I've been SPECIFICALLY INVITED! (Ha! Had to throw that in there!)

The most amusing part of this turn of events is that the Emmys are happening the EXACT SAME NIGHT/WEEKEND of the party I was banned from. So when people ask why I'm not there, the "middle man" can honestly say "Jocelyn is at the Emmys tonight" instead of "she was banned from coming."

The thing that sucks is that I had been planning for a while to get to spend some time with Shelli that weekend, but we'll have to do a raincheck instead.

I'm the saddest kind of workaholic there is...

I overwork myself because I'm afraid that if I'm not busy working, then people will find out how utterly boring, lame, and uninteresting I am.

UPDATE & CLARIFICATION: (Thanks to Sonia for her comment, though! Glad you're back!)

Whether or not I'm actually boring, lame, or uninteresting is not the point! (While I may joke around and make self-depricating jokes about my life, I do consciously know that I'm not really (that) boring, lame, or uninteresting.)

I made the epiphany that my a large part of my workaholism is rooted in insecurities I have about how others perceive how "great" my life is... making it clear to me for the first time that I don't work this hard for the money (trust me, it's not big money), nor the "glory" (trust me, there is none). To my defense, I think this insecurity is combined with a really, really good work ethic, in addition to a desire to achieve/succeed... so *voila!* Workaholic Joz™ is born!

Ryhming Couplet: 2nd installment

As promised, here is today’s rhyming couplet. Do as you will kids.

Tempted with tempeh she tinkers with me
To trudge to her house and then F.T.P.

Procrastinating sucks

UPDATED 8/21 @ 4pm:
Because I procrastinated on a bunch of work, I can't go to the Sparks game on Thursday night tonight. Instead, I have to stay home with a pile of work that I should have been done with weeks ago.

Dammit. Sharky scored a suite tickets 7 rows off the floor and everything. (Have I mentioned that Sharky is the coolest?!)

Yoshi and tcubed will get to hang with Sharky without me.

Bah.

(At least I was invited and can't go because I had to decline (& not because I was specifically banned from going). Yes, I'm done with the drama, but it doesn't mean that it didn't still hurt at some level.)

I'm cracking up.

A few minutes ago, I got a call on my direct line at work.

I immediately recognized one of Yoshi's co-workers on the line. Except for meeting her at a couple of company functions, I haven't really talked to her and yet there she was... calling me on my direct line.

me: Hello?
her: Hey. It's me.
me: Uh... ok... What's going on?
her: Hey. I just had to tell you something. Yoshi went outside with another girl. So I took the phone and had to call you. 'Cuz, you know, I like you and stuff... and thought you should know.
me: (laughing) Are you tattling?
her: Yeah girl, I got your back.
me: (laughing even more as I hang up) Oh ok...

What a wannabe shit-starter she is! :P

Then I immediately had to go into professoreric's office and tell him what a hysterical call that was.

And with that, I'm smiling again. :)

The Hunt for Clarence

ORIGINALLY POSTED 8/20/03 @ 12 midnight:
Sharky found Clarence!

Yay Sharky!

UPDATE 8/21/03 @ 10:16am:
Sharky was informed that the place she found Clarence was sold out. So the Hunt for Clarence is still on...

A Phish On The Hook

I try not to pass judgement on things I'm far removed from. Having talked to Genevieve Gallen on more than occasion, I am starting to appreciate & see a different point of view... how difficult it is to live in a media fishbowl & how the press takes something minor and blows it to gigantic proportions.

Nonetheless, I skimmed this story but got a kick (no pun intended) out of the closing paragraph, excerpted here for you to see:

Regardless of whether Gordon has to face a judge next month, law-enforcement sources say unofficial justice was already delivered. The Hell's Angels, who detained Gordon for police, were not, the sources say, gentle with sensitive areas of the rock star's body.

Seen on nbc4.tv:
Exclusive: A Phish On The Hook
Band's Bassist Gordon Accused Of Child Endangerment

POSTED: 10:22 p.m. EDT August 18, 2003
UPDATED: 9:30 p.m. EDT August 19, 2003

NEW YORK -- A Phish is on the hook for endangering the welfare of a minor after he allegedly tried to take pictures of a young girl inside a deserted boathouse.

But following private conversations between the band's manager and the child's parents, there's a question about whether the band's bassist, Mike Gordon, will avoid facing that charge.

Gordon, 38, was arrested after being found late at night in a secluded area with a 9-year-old girl. The girl's parents raised an alarm when she disappeared from a backstage area at Jones Beach Theater.

New York State Park Police say Gordon showed a different side after a concert last week by The Dead. Investigators say Gordon -- who calls himself "Cactus" -- was an invited guest backstage at Jones Beach. He was not invited, they say, to take a 9-year-old girl to an isolated location behind the theater.

"The area is actually like a work area for state employees who operate boats out of that area," said Maj. Richard O'Donnell, of the New York State Park Police. "It's a darkened area, not intended for public access."

O'Donnell, who is the region's commanding officer, would not discuss what the bass player told officers when he was found with the child on a dock. But a police report obtained by NewsChannel 4 reveals "The defendant stated he wanted to take 'art photos' of the victim."

Police confirm that Gordon has never been convicted of any crime. Law enforcement sources said that after the band member was arrested, he told officers, "I may have shown bad judgment, but I am not a pedophile."

The Law enforcement sources identify the girl's father as a leader of the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club, whom they say had also been invited backstage to watch The Dead concert. Gordon was held for police by theater security "and the victim's father's associates -- which the police report decribes as other Hell's Angels members.

When responding to a request for an interview, Phish's manager e-mailed a joint statement from Gordon and the child's parents that reads: "It is now clear to all involved that this was an unfortunate misunderstanding, and we look forward to putting this matter behind us."

Later, in a conference call, the manager said Gordon's trying to "make amends" with the family. The girl's father added that "muckraking journalists should put the story to rest."

Both declined to discuss whether the musician is paying compensation.

When asked by NewsChannel 4 if there was any reasonable explanation for Gordon to have been with the girl at 1:00 AM in a secluded boat house, Maj. O'Donnell of the State Park Police said "I have no explanation for it."

The commander says he "absolutely" stands by the police investigation and has referred the bass player's boathouse rendezvous case to the Nassau County district attorney for prosecution.

The DA's office says the evidence is being evaluated. Regardless of whether Gordon has to face a judge next month, law-enforcement sources say unofficial justice was already delivered. The Hell's Angels, who detained Gordon for police, were not, the sources say, gentle with sensitive areas of the rock star's body.

Copyright 2003 by WNBC.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Rhyming Couplet

Hey Joz and pals... As a writer/ poet, (part time that is), i am discouraged that i haven't had any time to send stuff out to get published as of late. I have decided to start publishing a rhyming couplet, as an exercise, whenever i remember, on the blog, for y'all to decipher. this is just for fun. let's see where it goes. here's how it will work. in the morning i will write down the first rhyming couplet that pops in my head. then you guys urp me if you can find a way to justify it. a sentence or paragraph, whatever. it's just a writing exercise with out purpose. here's what popped into my head this morning:

the furniture is first to hear
the autumn is stained with beer

Like I said, I hate drama

I'm good now. No more drama.

It is what it is, and I've said my piece. I know where everyone stands and I'm grateful to know. I don't hate (or even dislike, for that matter) anyone involved. As far as I can tell, I never *did* anything to upset the person that dissinvited me, so I can feel good knowing that I never did anything intentionally nor unintentionally for that person to dislike me. The dissinviter has had ample opportunity to "get to know me" and evidently finds no value in me & dislikes me for me. I'm ok with that and can respect that. I still like this person, but I don't have to be liked back by everyone I like.

I told you I don't hold a grudge. :)

(Last) Friday morning.

I arrived at work early, and there was a neatly clipped picture of Genevieve Gallen and soon-to-be-hubby sitting on my desk. No note. No explanation.

Did I mention that no one at work knows I even read this blog?

I hate drama

Thanks for everyone's comments and input. I really appreciate being able to vent about it, so thanks for indulging me. I usually succeed in living a drama-free life, but every so often, I slip. You can see by reading my archives that I very, very rarely vent about personal stuff, so thanks.

I'm 99.9% over being dissinvited and about 80% over not being told the truth. I'm also about 50% over being mad at myself for allowing myself to get too emotional over any of this. But I don't hold grudges so I'm sure I'll be 100% over all of this soon. And to the said "middle man" who is "kind of" mad at me for blogging about this, I'm not mad at you for not telling me... I understand that you were put in an awkward position. I am simply disappointed (and I'd be lying if I didn't mention a bit hurt) that you felt like you couldn't tell me the truth. And I'd understand if you are still mad at me for blogging this, but I hope you know I made sure not to name names or to reveal any details. I hope you still know that you can tell me anything in the world and know that I'll always stand by you.

Now, let's take the focus away from my dumb drama and welcome tcubed. I love tcubed very much... she is funny, kind, and I am grateful that she is such a good friend and that she wants to contribute to our blog. Her first post is simply great! Please welcome her!

Apples and Oranges

Because joz is out sick, I am left to my own devices for comradery (msp?) and entertainment. This is what I have been up to. And in my defense I think I am right on this one. What do you think? (“hurl more” to hear my intelligent i.m. conversation with a friend.)

friend: why won't best buy's website let me order this freaking dvd!!!!! I'm annoyed.
everything is there and then I go to continue to the part where you enter the credit card info and it just gives me a blank screen
professoreric: hmmm, which dvd?
friend: Chicago. DVD and Soundtrack for $20. so I'm trying to buy both.
professoreric: rumor has it that the movie is better then the city.
friend: huh?
professoreric: chicago
friend: you: “rumor has it that the movie is better then the city.” ????
professoreric: right
friend: that makes no sense!!
professoreric: why, chicago the movie is better then chicago the city
friend: OHHHH. I got you…I thought you meant like the play or something, ‘cause you can't really compare a city to a movie. that's ridiculous!!
professoreric: no its not
professoreric: china is a better country then the dish.
professoreric: boston is as good a creme as it is a city
professoreric: and new york is a more exciting city then it is a pizza
professoreric: got it?
friend: you're an idiot
professoreric: what!
professoreric: but you agree with all of those statements right
professoreric: i mean i would prefer a nice warm afghan currently, to a trip there
friend: but you can't compare them!!!!
professoreric: why?
friend: You can't!!
professoreric: why?
professoreric: apples and oranges are both fruit
professoreric: right?
friend: right
professoreric: then we are back in agreement
friend: but you still can’t compare them
professoreric: i think you can
friend: whatever
professoreric: typical way to loose an argument, saying "whatever" and then ending the conversation...
professoreric: shouldn't you be doing work?
friend: I should be but instead I am on hold with best buy cause the website still keeps f*@$ing up when I am trying to order
professoreric: sorry...
professoreric: dvd's are better then bvd's
friend: that's true… and dvd's are now cheaper than vhs… which I think is great
professoreric: amen.

Disclaimer: This entry is not meant to offend anyone whose preferences are different then those expressed her. You might prefer china as a dish then as a country. That is fine. Some of might best friends are into ceramics. We are all entitled to our own preferences. (actually there are a few people I can think of that I would like to evoke that privilege from…)

Call the patent office, I'm registering my DISSINVITATION™ idea first thing in the morning.

Here's the nutshell:
I found out in a very roundabout manner that there will be a party that EVERYONE is invited to but I was SPECIFICALLY not invited to. No details are necessary (and I wouldn't have been able to go to said party even if I HAD been invited since I have other obligations for that same time), but I really, really, really hated finding out the way I did.

I have asked the person who was told that I wasn't to be invited & it was confirmed. It was specifically requested that I not be there. I don't care about not being invited (or even that I'm so hated/despised/unwanted that a specific request was made that I not be there)... I just wished I had been informed directly, instead of finding out in the manner that I did. I wish that I did not have to confront this person stuck in the middle to get the truth... and that people can respect that I can deal with the truth better than I can deal with not knowing/guessing the situation/being told half-truths. And I appreciate that someone was only trying to "spare my feelings," but I *was* going to find out eventually & my feelings would have been hurt a trillion-fold FURTHER if I had found out after-the-fact that I hadn't been told the whole truth in the first place. But now that it's out in the open, I can deal with it & be over it. And I am, mostly.

Which brings me to my fucking brilliant idea (just indulge me, please)...

Seen on IM:
me: At this moment, I'm fantasizing about having an ever sending UNINVITATIONS DISSINVITATIONS™ to people.
me: I'm indulging in evil fantasies
me: Please excuse this momentarily lapse of sanity :-)
OutOutBlogger: np
OutOutBlogger: vent on
me: "We are announcing our (event) on (date). Please do us the honor of finding somewhere else to be. Because you're a piece of shit" [could also be customized: Because we hate your guts. Because you're a smelly cunt. Because you're a fat pig. The possibilities are endless!]
OutOutBlogger: in nice calligraphy
me: Exactly! With an RSVP card
me: That they need to return to tell us where they will be INSTEAD of at our event
me: ha!
OutOutBlogger: :-)
me: THINKING evil thoughts is only slightly better than ACTING ON on evil thoughts, isn't it?
OutOutBlogger: i think it's much better
OutOutBlogger: healthy, as a matter of fact
me: I think my idea is brilliant
me: But I wouldn't actually do it, of course
me: But wouldn't that be much better? If you were going NOT invite someone, to just TELL THEM they weren't invited?
OutOutBlogger: that's an interesting idea
me: I'd prefer that
me: the stay-the-fuck-away-o-gram™
OutOutBlogger: that's very catchy
me: I'd probably get lots of them though. Doh.

I'd still prefer to get a stay-the-fuck-away-o-gram™ instead of finding out the way I did. You?

UPDATE: Response to dj mo fo

dj mo fo left the following comment: i just re-read this and maybe i'm reading it wrong but it seems that you were not univited. you were just not invited.

uninvited is extremely rude, hurtful, and crass. it means that you were originally invited and then they said "on second thought, don't come"

For the record, yes, you are right I was never invited. I was not "un"invited.

I was (what I call) "dissinvited". I was dissed so badly that not only was I not invited in the first place, someone went out of their way to SPECIFICALLY make it clear that I was not to be invited. I guess you could also say I was "banned" from the party. But I think dissinvited sounds a little nicer, but that's just me.

So that's how I use the terms above... unless someone has another way of describing what happened.

First post from tcubed...

I missed my very first chance to blog last week. jozjozjoz was down...drat. I was at work when the list of 135 (yes, 135) qualified candidates for California governor was released. Of course they only mean qualified in the sense of filling out an application and handing over some money. I personally don't know where the qualified candidates are.

Anyway, I get to the list and being the civic-minded chick that I am, print it out for the people in my work area. I figure we can educate ourselves when we are bored. OK, I figured it would be good for a laugh, especially since that day seemed like the longest ever created. My co-worker Emily had the list for no more than 6o seconds when she dares me to call Arnold's phone number. She'll give me 5 bucks. I don't take the bait but convince my assistant to do it -- as long as it's on speakerphone. So ensued the following conversation:

Ring, Ring...

Perky Guy (PG): Arnold for Governor

(thank god they don't make the poor staffers answer with the guys last name)

Rhonda: Hi, is Arnold there?

PG: Can I tell him who's calling?

R: Oh, this is Rhonda

(I notice then that an odd, faux-Austrian accent has crept into her voice. Not enough to be tagged as a crank caller, but still)

PG: Did you want the campaign office or Arnold directly?

R: Oh, Arnold directly of course

(even with her faux accent Rhonda manages to make it sound like her & the Terminator are old friends, which somehow is hilarious at 4pm on the longest day ever made. we meanwhile are shocked to be offered access to private Arnold)

PG: Please hold...

(during which time Miss Rhonda panics & tries to hang up the phone. none of us has acted 13 in so long it's pretty hard to pull off. i end up holding her wrists so she can't disconnect)

PG: I'm sorry Rhonda, he's not available, but I can take a message...

R: Well, doesn't he have voice mail??

PG: No but I can take a message

R: (breezily) Oh, I'll just call later.

How could they NOT know this was a prank call?? I mean, how many serious calls to the public "Arnold for Guvner" office do they get?

We followed that up with a chaser to Gary Coleman's number, but his answering machine doesn't accept calls from blocked numbers. Damn.

ANOTHER new addition to the jozjozjoz.com network!

Our place is small.

Tiny. Not enough seating for more than 2, but thankfully wonderful people still converge upon our small house on Tuesday nights to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "Boy Meets Boy." I'm grateful for this, because I really enjoy having friends over even though they have to sit on the floor or be all MacGyver in creating seating for themselves.

Last Tuesday night, there were 5 of us here... me, yoshi, sharky the kid, professoreric, and tcubed. At the time, tcubed was the only non-jozjozjoz.com-blogger.

We have now rectified the situation and tcubed is the newest addition to the jozjozjoz.com network!

PLEASE WELCOME TCUBED! Her first post is above!

Bah.

Mondays suck.

Return to L.A.

So we're back from our weekend in San Francisco.

I heard that there was a bit of blog/server drama and that Sharky & professoreric weren't able to get online to blog in my absence. I "re-dated" my posts from Friday so that there's something in the archives for everyday. :)

Sorry. Thanks to Mike, who seems to have fixed everything (again).

More about our crazy weekend later...

Don't cheat on Amanda Moore. Don't try to steal her gf, either!

Originally posted 8/15/03:

I don't know how true this story is, but I just love it. The mental image of this chick punching this dude out makes me want to do the jozjozjoz dance.

Seen on PageSix via OutOutBlogger... of course, here's a picture of said lesbian model...

LESBIAN BEAUTY STRIKES BACK

SEXY lesbian Vogue covergirl Amanda Moore punched out a man who's been making time with her girlfriend the other night.
Moore and gorgeous galpal Kate Young, an ex-Vogue staffer, were featured in New York magazine's Aug. 11 "Sexiest New Yorkers" cover story. She's not shy about her sexuality. She and Young recently posed for ID magazine while making out.

According to one of their pals, Moore - star of ads for DKNY, Costume National, Plein Sud and others - recently discovered that Young wasn't being faithful. What's worse, mutual friends told Moore that Young was being led astray not by another woman, but by a man - a popular player on the indie rock scene who's also an A&R man for a hipster record label.

Moore found out that her romantic rival is a regular at Union Square hangout Bar 13's Sunday night "Shout" party. So last weekend she went there looking for him. According to an eyewitness, Moore walked right up to the guy and punched him in the face, sending him to the floor.

When she demanded he apologize for messing with her lady love, he refused and complained about being socked in the kisser. "You deserved it," Moore hissed. "Now we're even."

Our snitch tattles, "She totally embarrassed him in front of all his friends."

Moore's sucker-punch apparently had the desired effect. The interloper has backed off and friends are eyeing Moore with newfound respect.

Moore's agent, Ivan Bart, said he was unaware of the incident, adding, "We don't comment on our models' personal lives."

I'm a slacker

What a bad blogsitter I am. I'm SUPPOSED to be guest blogging at Mikey2's.

If I had been taking care of Mikey2's fishies, they'd all be doing the backstroke toward the pearly gates of fishie heaven.

Bad Joz! Bad! Bad!

Friday Gratitudes

Hooray for:

-Jerk Chicken Friday (aka "007 Commerative Lunch")
-Trip to SF this weekend
-Mike for letting me freeload server space & for fixing my blog when it gets jacked up.

testing

This is a test entry.

Gah!

I don't know what's wrong with my blog.

Please forgive the mess as our team of highly skilled technicians (whoever I get beg to fix it) works on the site.

Thank you.

More on former Sparks player Latasha Byears

I'm so grossed out by this story. I have cheered for our Sparks. Yoshi and I were at the last championship-winning game at the Staples Center. I'm disgusted that this is probably a true story. And no, I don't know where the photos of this incident exist. And I'm not going to look for them. That's sick and wrong.

I'm just grateful I don't own a jersey with "Byears" on it. (Not that I'm a jersey-wearing kind of gal, for that matter.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ex-Sparks player investigated in alleged sexual assault
Posted: Thursday August 14, 2003 1:25 AM

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Former WNBA player Latasha Byears, who helped the Los Angeles Sparks to two league championships, is under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting a former teammate, a television station reported.

Byears and three men who have no connection to the Sparks allegedly raped the victim at a party following a June 5 game against the Sacramento Monarchs at Staples Center, KCOP-TV reported Tuesday night.

No one has been arrested, but the Los Angeles County district attorney's office said Wednesday there is an investigation involving several male and female basketball players. Sheriff's Deputy David Cervantes would only say a report was taken in the case.

The Sparks waived Byears on June 10, five days after the alleged incident. She did not play in a June 7 game against the Monarchs in Sacramento because she was dealing with a personal matter, team officials said at the time.

Sparks spokeswoman Kristal Shipp said Wednesday the team has been contacted by authorities and is cooperating.

"We are aware of the serious nature of the police investigation and we are cooperating in every way," she said in a statement. "We don't know the facts, so until the investigation and the judicial process, if there is one, are completed, it would not be appropriate for us to make any comment."

Byears, 30, was traded by Sacramento to the Sparks in 2000. She spent four years with the Monarchs but had troubles on and off the court.

She pleaded no contest to reckless driving in 2002 and was suspended for one game. Later that year she was suspended for two games after throwing a ball at Michelle Marciniak's face during a game against the Seattle Storm.

Byears, who is no longer playing in the WNBA, ranks eighth all-time in field goal percentage (.514) and is among the top 10 rebounders in league history. She averaged 5.6 points and 4.2 rebounds this season.

Known as "Tot," a nickname given by her grandmother, Byears played at DePaul and was a second-team All-America as a junior in 1994-95 and was a first-team selection as a senior.

In an article published in the July issue of GQ magazine, Byears referred to herself as the toughest player in the WNBA and said she wanted to open a restaurant or a nightclub when her playing days ended.

"I been in this league six years now. I came in through the back door," she told the magazine. "But I'm leaving through the front, side and middle. Man, roll the red velvet out for me, 'cause I'm the boss."

The Professor scores free food for the office!

Check out the memo I just got in the inbox! Free Jamaican Jerk Chicken due to professoreric's hard work! Is it ironic that the Professor will not be able to enjoy the meal because he's a vegetarian?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Eric
Subj: Don't bring your lunch tomorrow!

The ever so diligent P.A.,
-Eric

UPDATE: Our boss man can be really brilliant sometimes. Check out his reply to professoreric's memo:

E.

It sounds like a deliciously resourceful idea to me. Since the early James Bond books were written in Jamaica, we can call it our 007 Commemorative Lunch.

another scoop from the shark

With all the info that's coming into my life lately, I'm wondering if I should become a entertainment reporter - but not one of those scum of the earth tabloid rags like the enquirer or daily mirror or?? Yuck - I'd rather become that Billy guy on Access Hollywood or Ryan Seacreast (gay men's posterchild). Oh wait, he' says he's not gay. Coulda fooled me! *wink*

Anyhow, there is a certain athlete that has been in the news lately... a lot ... and when having lunch with a good friend of mine who's hubby works in the sports world gave me a scoop on the rumblings around the water cooler.

After a mutual attraction....seems a certain athlete propositioned a certain hussy to join them in their "mile high club" room for a little shall we say..... suckey, suckey? The only caveat to the agreement was that no *ahem* fluids be exchanged. And when that agreement was broken, apparently said hussy did a bit of bitey, bitey! Said athlete got a bit upset, oh heck... pissed off, at that point, hence the accusations that have been flying around the press. Can you read between the lines? Again, Sharky the Kid scoops the press.

(the names in this post are kept anonymous to protect everyone involved - and to keep any kind of scum of the earth tabloids picking up this post and using it as their own)

jozjozjoz being jozjozjoz

i've got to get a digital camera and permanently attach it to my arm. that way, i could snap pictures of jozjozjoz in her daily routine, spilling coffee on her chest, doing the jozjozjoz dance, and generally providing the much needed comic relief in our lives.

last week, sharky came over to hang out. jozjozjoz, being the good hostess, was making edamame for us to snack on as we watched tv. we usually buy the giant bag of edamame from costco which has a ziploc top. does anyone see where i'm going with this?

she dumped some edamame into the water and closed up the bag to return to the freezer. opened the freezer door and lifted up the bag to put it in. only she had the bag upside down. and it wasn't closed all the way. did you know that edamame makes a very nice, rhythmic rattle when it falls out of the bag, onto the freezer, the floor, and down jozjozjoz's shirt? kind of like those rain sticks you could get at cost plus or music stores.

sharky and i turned around to see her with a now half-empty bag in her hands and edamame all over the floor.

now do you see why i need that camera?

First Kobe, then this.

Former Sparks Player Investigated For Allegedly Sexual Assaulting Teammate
Player Allegedly Raped By Attackers With Suspect

UPDATED: 9:58 a.m. PDT August 13, 2003

LOS ANGELES -- Authorities are investigating a former Los Angeles Sparks player for allegations she sexually assaulted a teammate, according to media reports.

An active investigation is under way against Latasha Byears, according to the Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office. No charges have been filed, but arrests are reportedly imminent.

Byears, who was released by the two-time defending Women's National Basketball Association champions June 10, could not be reached for comment and the team reportedly declined comment.

The alleged incident occurred at a party following a June 5 game against Sacramento at Staples Center, the station reported. A Sparks player reportedly was attacked by Byears and three men, who have no connection with the team.

The men allegedly raped the player and Byears allegedly penetrated the player with an object described as a sex toy, media reports stated.

Pictures of the alleged attack were taken by a cellular telephone camera and e-mailed to other people, one source said.

Sheriff's deputies declined to discuss the case.

Copyright 2003 by NBC4.tv. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Boss mans interpretation of Bjork:

“She sounds very European”

“like she’s from the 1960’s or 70’s in Spain or Italy”

“it sounds dramatic, but I cant understand a word she says. I think she says “emergency” in one song though…”

“I look forward to taking a listen to some more of her works in the near future…” (was that a hint for a burned c.d? hmmmm…)

he then preceded to ask me “who my favorite dessert island people were” to which I gave him a funny look, thinking he was looking for me to say something anthropological. My answer would have been, having grown up in New England and living par time in Maine, the my favorite would have to be the people of Mount Desert Island, near Acadia National Park. They are such a pleasant people. But he was asking me if I was stuck on a deserted island which 3 musical artists would I want to have the music of with me. First off I like that this island is deserted, yet has electricity or an endless supply of environmentally friendly disposable batteries, along with the sound system this island apparently has. Secondly if I had enough time to prepare my musical preferences before being stranded, I probably would have also made plans for my rescue.

Anyway, I told him that I am not sure how to make a decision like that, and he told me to just choose the first 3 that came to the top of my head. So hastily decided, my choices were 1: Bjork (of course) 2: Belle and Sebastian 3: Cibo Matto. When I turned the question around on him, he couldn’t decide, got disinterested with the conversation and wandered off. This is what Joz and I put up with all day long. We are martyrs really… Behold the glory of our suffering.

Sitting at my desk at lunch...

... and eating mild provolone cheese.

It's stinky.

UPDATE: And listening to my boss listen to the Bjork CD that professoreric gave him this morning. He just turned it up. It's amusing me to no end that our boss is listening to Bjork.

Sharky scooped out.com!

You heard it (where Jai was this weekend) from Sharky here first!

You heard it LATER at out.com!

(Thanks to OutOutBlogger for the link.)

When Realities Collide… Liza’s Gay Shoulder… Queer TV Deals
from out.com

If you want to see all of today’s reality television stars, you don’t need to turn on your TV—just head over to Here Lounge in West Hollywood. Friday night you couldn’t serve an apple martini without bumping into a reality celeb. Bachelor James from Boy Meets Boy walked into the place with his TV best bud, Andra, while holding the hand of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Jai Rodriguez (we hear they’re “just friends”). It seems James was there to meet with one of his show’s contestants, Brian H., who works part-time at the trendy WeHo watering hole. In the meantime, at the front bar, AMC’s Gay Hollywood’s Benjamin Morgan (featured in the August issue of Out) was marveling at the abundance of reality (“It’s really strange,” he told Out.com) in relative anonymity: his reality-style documentary premieres this week.

Openly gay BBC talk-show host Graham Norton is continuing to play a supporting role in the Liza Minnelli–David Gest marital split. According to a report in London’s Sunday Mirror, Liza and Graham have become close over the past couple of years, and she “has been seeking comfort and advice” from him. Too bad Norton didn’t stop Gest from telling his TV audience Liza had become “hugely fat” during an illness last year. At the time the shocked host responded, “I can’t believe you are saying that about your lovely wife!” Apparently, neither could Liza.

Out producers Neil Meron and Craig Zadan have signed a deal with Revolution Studios to produce two films for the company. Revolution could use the producers’ magic touch—its “big” summer movies were the dismal Hollywood Homicide and Gigli.…Looks like the world is about to get a lot more gay, as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has been licensed internationally to the United Kingdom and Scandinavia so the countries there can produce local versions of the makeover show. No word on whether Carson Kressley is available for cameos.

EXCLUSIVE Genevieve Gallen & Verne Troyer photo

NOTE: Comments at insignifica are now closed.

Please see the archives at http://www.jozjozjoz.com/archives/000973.php
~~~~~~~~
As previously mentioned, Genevieve Gallen was nice enough to provide exclusive content for jozjozjoz.com!

Here is a photo of Genevieve with Verne in a limo. Isn't it a great picture of a handsome couple?

I'll have to ask Genevieve when this was taken and for what event.

UPDATE: Stop making fun of the watermark! Out of respect that this is a personal snapshot, I had to make it as unphotoshoppable as possible without making it impossible to see them.

Headed up to SF this weekend

I decided at the last minute that I was going to go up north for the weekend.

I know that I'll be free Saturday night. I am hoping to see a few friends while I'm up north, as I don't have as much time to travel anymore.

Let me know if you want to hang out. Or not.

I think it's insanely funny...

...that because I keep talking about "Queer Eye" at work, my boss is going to set his TiVo for that show so he'll "know what I'm babbling about all day..."

Hmmm... maybe that's a bad thing.

Speechless!

If you are a fan of "Queer Eye" or "Boy Meets Boy," the only shows I watch every week, you must read the entire length of Sharky's post yesterday.

Yes, it's long, but totally worth it!

Sharky's wild weekend, also known as Welcome to the Twilight Zone

I swear that I was the main character in a new episode of the Twilight Zone. Three of my distinctly different universes collided within three hours of one another.

Universe number 1 – I’ve been a single gal for some time now, mostly by choice. I’ve needed time – a lot of time – to get over my ex. And I must say that in all truth, that I’m not completely over her, but I understand what happened oh so many years ago, and I’m ok that she is seeing someone else who treats her well. She’s happy and that matters to me. So, realizing that it’s time I can begin to search for a mate, I sign up on match.com. Now, I’m no Jennifer Garner, but I can be cute at times, and my intelligence and sense of humor make up for my shortcomings in the looks department. Besides, my ex told me that she became attracted to me because of my charm – and think of her as a younger Catherine Zeta Jones meets Sandra Bullock – really! She’s gorgeous, and has the brains to back it up. Anyhow, so I’m cruising the website, checking out photos and statements of people in my area. I find about a dozen or so potential candidates. Narrow it down to one. So I drop an email to her, comment on our mutual likes, and drop some flattery about her smile. I wait for a response…. 5 days pass and finally an answer : “Hi….. thanks for the very kind and flattering note. You obviously took an interest in my profile and it does appear that we have quite a bit in common. I'm sure that I come across much better on paper, to be truthful, I'm quite picky and opinionated. For those reasons... I have to let you know that I cannot return the interest, I hope that you will understand. Good luck with your search and I hope that you find someone soon.” Bummer. On to plan B….

Universe number 2 – I love gay men and make over shows. Thus I adore watching the new smash on Bravo “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy”. What a fun and enlightening hour of TV. Jozjozjoz, Yoshi and I watch it religiously together every Tuesday. I suggest you do too!

Universe number 3 – I was a jock in high school. I met and hung out with one of my teammates who I found absolutely adorable. Big dimples when she smiled. I followed her around like a lovesick puppy dog for ½ a year. I also had a “white trailer trash” neighbor who I hung out with when I was bored. I was always prodded with questions if my friend “crush” was gay. I never ever said anything about it, but my neighbor and her even bigger “white trailer trash” friend spread rumors about my “crush” being gay around school, and attributed it to me. Needless to say, for some reason, people thought the rumor was true (that I had spread the word) and neither my “crush” nor coach believed me. I called to tell my “crush” that I never said that, and they made it up (because they were jealous of my “crush” being one of the best athletes in school). From then on, I was pretty much exiled to my own island the rest of the time in high school by my “crush” and coach.

So Saturday night my friend decided it was time for me to get back into the game. We headed out to Santa Monica Blvd. to take in the last hours of sunlight, a cold beverage, and human scenery on the patio at the Abbey. But first I had to go and get some cash from the ATM. As we were on our way, we were accosted in front of the Weho hot spot “Here”. Two fabulous gay men grabbed us and said, “our friend is bartending and we need some women, come in and I’ll buy you some drinks”. Normally I wouldn’t even consider this offer, but since I recognized one of the handsome boys, why the heck not, a free drink courtesy of two cute men – and no sex was expected! So Jai, Robb, Steph and I took a seat at the bar. Across from us sat Thom, and pouring this lovely evening was Brian H., quite a stunner with these amazing blue eyes. Yes, boys when in Weho, go see Brian at HERE!

Why the name-dropping? Because there were names to be dropped! Jai Rodriguez the culture consultant from “Queer Eye”, and handsome Robb from “Boy meets Boy” were the two guys that grabbed us and invited us in for a drink. Thom Filicia, the fabulous interior design guru was also “Here”, and pouring for us all, another hunky hunk, Brian H. from “Boy meets Boy”. We all spent a fabulous few hours chatting about everything and the shows. No, I wasn’t able to get any kind of scoop on who lasts in “Boy”, but I did find out that “Queer Eye” is aired out of order, and this week’s installment is actually the first one they shot! It’s also Jai’s first episode and he has much more airtime than before (Yeah!). It was nice to see that these guys haven’t let their newfound fame go to their heads. They were fun and down to earth, and if you are lucky enough to run into them, say hello. Oh and check back in to Jozjozjoz.com later, and we may just get lucky enough to have a post from Jai in the near future.

Off Steph and I went to our original destination, the ATM, then to dinner, then to the Abbey. We got a few drinks and scouted out the scene. Finally I spotted two amazing girls off to the side. Originally the short haired blonde caught my eye, but then the one with the light brown longer hair and cute lesbian glasses won me over. So Steph made a plan to walk by, say hello, and if they returned the hello, then we’d stop and chat. Alas, no return show of interest after 3 tries. So we decided to move along to another club down the street.

Show id, pay at the door. But the woman collecting the $$ inside was way too familiar… it was my “crush” from high school! We recognize each other, said hello, and I told her I’d be back later to chat! We go in have some drinks (I pretty much only drink diet coke by the way). Dance a bit, and watch the go-go girls. I start looking around and whom do I spot? The same 2 girls from the Abbey! So I watch them a bit and as they head to the bar, I grab the waitress, give her my credit card and tell her to ask the girls what they are drinking because someone wants to buy them their first round. So she does, and a few minutes later comes back for me to sign the bill. Steph and I wait a bit for them to come and say thank you, but it doesn’t happen. How rude huh? I go to chat with my “crush” at the front for a good ½ hour, and Steph finds someone to dance with. After my chat, I spot Steph dancing with a knockout blonde in a red dress, so I stand and watch – mind you the two “buy the drink” girls are about 6 ft away from me at this point. So I’m thinking, maybe they’ll come over and say thanks. But no. They head back to the bar….. and I follow them.

I went right up said “so when people are kind enough to buy you drinks, do you always not go and at least thank them?”. They looked a bit stunned and embarrassed and tried to come up with an excuse, but I cut them off and introduced myself. Turned to the cutie with glasses and got her name. BING! A light goes off in my head and I say, “I know you!”. She say’s “How?” and I tell her that she is “ALIAS” @ match.com. Yes, it was her. The girl I had emailed the week earlier – who had politely turned me down. Her first words after she figured out who I was, was “your hair is longer”.! Jeez. Duh! The other one I find out is the next girl I was going to write to! What a small world! We chat, I get short blondes number and bid them my adieu.

Steph says, that I’m a freak. What are the odds of running into someone I emailed out of the blue, and running into her and the next girl of interest at the same time, on the same night, the first night I’ve gone out in ages? Pretty weird!

Oh and my “crush” gave me her number and we’ll probably go out and have dinner and catch up (the attraction isn't there any longer). Funny how life works huh?

Another crazy weekend.

I have soooo much work to do and I haven't even touched it.

If I don't blog until after this insanity, here is a brief schedule for my weekend.

SATURDAY
-All morning and afternoon: Wedding/reception for my cousin
-Evening until midnight: Birthday party for OutOutBlogger's wife (THANKS!)
The day also involved driving over 200 miles in one day (this is a lot for the L.A. area)

SUNDAY
-Morning: Chores (laundry), quick blogging, get ready for The Dreaded Bridal Shower™
-Noonish: The Dreaded Bridal Shower™
-Early Afternoon: Shop for birthday party #1 (our friend's baby is turning 1!)
-Late Afternoon: Stop by birthday party #1
-Early Evening: Get dropped off for birthday party #2 (uncle's)
-Late Evening: Continue birthday party #2 at aunt/uncle's home
-Who knows when?: Get picked up to go home

And with that, I go to find something appropriate to wear to all these events, as I refuse to change throughout the day, or wear any hats.

My mom has a strange definition of being "ready"

THIS MORNING...

-Wake up
-Begin getting ready for wedding
-Call mom, make sure they are awake and getting ready
-Figure out how to put my hair in curlers again
-Get dressed, look for nice shoes
-Change mind on outfit and change clothes again
-Run out the door
-Call mom again, make sure they going to be ready
-Drive
-Call brother, make sure mom and dad are actually getting ready
-Keep driving
-Call mom to say I am around the corner getting gas. She claims they have been ready and now are just waiting for me
-Get home, park in driveway and honk for them to get in the car
-Brother runs out to say that my parents aren't ready yet.

It took another 20 minutes for us to actually walk out the door. I will not even begin telling you about the fight my mom and I had (I lost) involving the wearing of a hat.

GG or not GG? (aka: "Is that REALLY Genevieve Gallen who commented on your site?)

NOTE: Comments are now closed on insignifica.

Please see the archives at http://www.jozjozjoz.com/archives/000965.php
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People have been asking if THE Genevieve Gallen has been visiting my site & if THE GG really commented on Sharky's "Top 10 Reasons that Verne Troyer and Genevieve Gallen's marriage won't last" post (which was originally a comment to my "Bride of Mini-Me™ (aka Genevieve Gallen, future Mrs. Verne Troyer)" post).

The answer (after much investigating) is YES, Genevieve Gallen DID visit and comment on my site.

I have been receiving a lot of traffic for posting "The Definitive Compilation of Mini-Me and Bride-To-Be™ Photos." The first inkling that THE GG visited jozjozjoz.com was after I SCOURED the web for Mrs Mini-Me pictures/photos of Genevieve Gallen. Let me tell you, they were EXTREMELY hard to find by using a search engine. All the ones I found on July 25 were all posted at my site under the post originally titled "Mini-Me + 6'2" model = ???".

Genevieve was nice enough to send me some proof that she is who she said she is. We will have more information in near future to support this, but for the time being, know that I have received "personal" GG and Verne (no, not THAT personal) pix... think snapshots. Last night, we also spoke to her on the phone and have had an off-the-record interview for some clarification, some of which you will see below & in the near future.

I have also received permission to publish some exclusive photos here; they will be posted on this site soon.

For the time being, please keep this in mind:

1) Up until this point, Genevieve has not given any interviews to press on the status of their relationship. Neither has Verne. According to Genevieve, "Stories have gotten out of control and taken over by his 'rep' and [we] have not had fair chance to comment." Please take anything you read about their engagement, break-up, or WHATEVER with a boulder of salt unless you see a direct quote from one or both of them in a reputable publication. Be wary of anything attributed to "publicist of" or "spokesperson for." For one official interview given by Verne which mentions their relationship, please visit the Playboy article archive. You will see that the only photo of them in that article has already been posted on my site (I'm very thorough when I want to be!).

2) Genevieve was incorrectly described by the press as being 6'2" (thus my incorrect headline based on another article). Genevieve is in fact 5'6" tall... far from the reported 6'2" widely reported in the press. You will also see this in her comments on this site, supported also on her Official Website at GenevieveGallen.com.

3) Please take a moment to check out the comments left by Genevieve on this site. Per her request, her "Top 10 Reasons that Verne Troyer and Genevieve Gallen's marriage WOULD last" rebuttal to Sharky's post is now posted in the original message (and also remains in the comments where they first appeared).

Thanks to Genevieve for being a good sport & also for providing exclusive content to our site! Here is a picture from Playboy that she forwarded me (not available at Verne's interview).

Again, stay tuned for more to come...

Cue the circus music...

Yoshi has dashed my gubernatorial aspirations by vetoing (that's spelled correctly even though it looks retarded) my plan to throw my hat into the California governor's race.

I really can't argue with Yoshi's reasoning:
"No. You have too many jobs already."

I saw Ernie's post on the "Terminator for Governor." So now to jump on the bandwagon for all this recall election madness, I must say my bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement. (These comments were left on Ernie's blog.)

AH-NULD faces his most challenging role as "The Govinator."

His biggest foe opponent?

The English language.

(Learn how to pronounce "California," for goodness sakes.)

Shower invitation not sent...

... because "no adults were invited."

Whatever.

the professor is back!

YAY!

For a limited time only, professoreric is back in the office with me. WHEEEEEEEE!

Seen on IM:
him: i hate when you are looking up links for filipino bakeries and porn starts popping up all over the place...
him: i dont even like that kind of porn, i much perfer the classics, like "do it debbies way"
joz: I'll pretend like you didn't just say that

Mirror project

So I finally did a mirror project picture that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with pointy objects. I took this in our bathroom mirror after getting back from the Midsummer Night's Party.

Thanks to both Mikey2, my Photoshop Cabana Boy™ and Don, The Man™ for "watermarking" my photo for me and putting up with my rants about how I no longer have a working photo editor.

For the record, the only photoshopping that was done on this picture was some cropping of the background (you did not need to see the bathroom tile) and the addition of the watermark. It is amazing how many pounds you can lose without digital assistance just by getting the right lighting and a good angle.

Bridal shower drama

UPDATE BY JOZJOZJOZ: In response to a bunch of comments and questions to yoshi's rant...

-Yoshi's Mom found out last night that the bridal shower was happening this weekend when Yoshi mentioned it during a phone conversation. How much would it suck to be having a conversation with your Mom to have her realize that she didn't get invited to something like this? And how much would it suck to be the one to (inadvertently) break the news to her?

-YoshiMom did not know that the shower was happening this weekend. So it was not like she wasn't sent an invitation because she already knew about, because she didn't.

-As far as we know, there was no bad blood between the bride and the soon to be mother-in-law... until now, anyway. I don't believe she was PURPOSELY excluded because of bad feelings, etc. Perhaps she was purposely excluded for some other reason, but I really have no idea.

-In response to Sharky's comment: Yoshi's brother doesn't need to hear to from Yoshi what to tell his fiancee what to do. Yes, YoshiMom should get an invitation to the shower, but it's no longer a matter of her attending or not attending. It's really a matter of YoshiMom not being invited in the first place.

-Yog, It's not a "bride's family shower" because if that was the case, I wouldn't have been on the invitation list. Yoshi's family is very non-confrontational. YoshiMom is not the kind of person to ask why she wasn't invited to something.

-Since this just happened last night, no one has been asked for an explanation (so obviously no reason has been given) yet.

-Spike, Michael, a bridal shower is NOT a bachelorette party. Even if you are planning something naughty for the bridal shower, do you not invite your future mom-in-law because of it?! Having a strip-o-gram is worth making people (like me & Yoshi) and mad and upset?

-And I really don't think that YoshiMom was pissed, but probably hurt and slighted. It's me and Yoshi who are pissed.

-Yes, a lot has to happen for a wedding to happen, but what kind of oversight is not inviting someone that important? It's not like it's a family friend, distant cousin, or even someone in the extended family... it's your fiance's mother! If the invitation is indeed lost in the mail, then that would be the only conceivable reason for no one to be pissed. If this was an oversight, that's a REALLY MAJOR oversight.

-But what possible excuse could there be for not throwing 37-cents on a card or picking up the phone and calling (so 20th century, I know)?!

rant by yoshi

ok, so here's a question:

my brother is getting married in october. the bridal shower is this weekend and i just spoke to my mother and found out that she wasn't invited.

am i crazy for being just a little pissed off about this?

does anyone besides me think this is a HUGE deal?

grumble.

Blood: Pool/Puddle; Bowl/Cup

Hi, joz and pals, I am back in LA. I will try to refrain from saying anything negative about the city I am still trying to learn to love (‘cause I am here so I might as well get used to it.) I already miss Boston. I spent a lot of time seeing friends and family that I haven’t in forever. Saw a few people that I hadn’t seen for about ten years, which was a bit odd, but turned out to be good. I wasn’t pleased however that their impression of me after all of this time was a swollen bruised asymmetrical bumbling guy. I wasn’t really bumbling when I saw them, but the story that went with my bloody swollen face and chin makes me sound somehow clumsy or anemic (which i am neither)…
See here’s what happened, and the story really isn’t even that interesting: ...

...I fell asleep in the chair in my family’s living room watching some thing that made me fall asleep, and at around 2:00 am some commercial, loud and annoying, jarred me awake. Realizing that I wasn’t in bed, I turned off the TV and the lights and stood up to walk up the stairs to my bedroom. The next thing I remember is the sound of my face hitting the wood floor; it kind of echoed till I was unconscious.
About two three hours later I woke up, confused, and it was still dark so I couldn’t really see and assumed that I was in bed. Realizing that my bed wasn’t the wood floor I figured out I was not upstairs, and positioning myself to get up I felt liquid with my hands near my head. I turned on the light and found myself in a small pool of my own blood at the landing below the stairs. I had cleaned up the blood and got some ice and made my way upstairs to bed. My last thought was that I should probably wake someone up because I might have a concussion, but like the idiot that I am I decided I was too tired to do so and I just went to sleep. Luckily I didn’t slip into any sort of coma. I was yelled at in the morning because my fam could understand why I didn’t wake someone up.
Yeah, I just stood up too quick got dizzy and fainted. Sad part is, I wasn’t intoxicated by anything… one of my friends retold this idiotic story to a coworker of hers, who asked whether it was a pool of blood, or a puddle, A pool implies copious amounts and a puddle is not too much, but enough to collect on the floor. So if anyone has the same problem with this story, I will let you know this: if you have ever split your lip you will know that it bleeds a wicked amount. I will say this. It was a small pool not a pool or a large pool, so call it a puddle if you want. All I know is that most places if your order the bowl of soup as opposed to the cup they give you about the same amount anyway and just charge you more. It’s all subjective. Well, I am healed now for the most part so it doesn’t really matter. I included this story mostly so I can send the link to people instead of re-explaining to everyone the same story over and over. So yes, that is why my lip is bruised. No need to worry, my apt. in LA has carpeting.
-eric

things that annoy me

1. perfume samples in my magazines
2. the magnetic field around my house that makes it impossible to receive calls on my cell phone--they all go straight to voicemail if my phone is in the living room.
3. caffeine withdrawal.
4. bad drivers in huge suv's. there was a woman in a brand new black expedition in the far left lane doing about 60. in her defense, she did try to get out of the lane so i could pass, but she had her blinker on for THREE FUCKING MILES before she changed lanes.

on the bright side, i found a round table pizza on my way home and now have dinner for tonight and breakfast for tomorrow.

Total hours of sleep since my "restful" weekend: 8

My combined 8 hours of sleep in the last 72+ hours were attained by:

Last night: 2.5
Monday night: 3
Sunday night: 2.5

Excuse me as I pass out and begin drooling on the keyboarddddddddd........................

Still shopping for that digital camera

Aside from the fact that I've been working too much (what else is new?) and haven't had a chance to do more research, I haven't purchased my digital camera yet because I ran up some giant credit card bills from last month.

I was a little overwhelmed to see that I had spent $900+ more than I usually do in a typical month. That's two-and-a-half really nice cameras!

Among the larger unusual purchases I made:
-$200 for contacts and eye exam
-$100+ for food and shopping on our day in Laguna (not counting tickets for the Pageant of the Masters, prepaid in December)
-$40 for a birthday lunch at Maki Maki
-$100 at the spa
-$55 for dinner/drinks (for myself only) at the Sunset Room
-$100 at the salon the other day
-Almost $90 at Mitsuwa (do not buy groceries when you are hungry)
-$200 for gifts for two bridal showers

This was only the beginning of the list of expenditures... sigh.

I'm not even slightly envious...

...of Mikey and his laser pee...

...and have no desire to try out the Whizzy for Women product that Yoshi! left a comment about.

(And I don't want to know how my darling Yoshi! found this link.)

UPDATE: This post just wasn't complete without this disgusting animated .gif to accompany it.

UPDATE #2: Click on "hurl some more" to see the picture.

But what can the Fab 5 do to that chin?

From AdAge.com
JAY LENO SLATED FOR 'QUEER EYE' MAKEOVER
Gay Product Placement Show Draws High Ratings
August 04, 2003
QwikFIND ID: AAO90D
By Wayne Friedman and Richard Linnett

LOS ANGELES (AdAge.com) -- Major marketers are ogling placement deals on the breakout hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy even as NBC plots an Aug. 14 special in which Jay Leno will get the next makeover.

Highest-ever rating
Audience numbers for the July 29 Queer Eye, in its fourth airing on Bravo, shot up 62% from the prior week, according to Nielsen Media Research, earning the cable network its highest-ever rating. "This is the breakout show of the summer on any network, cable or broadcast," crowed Jeff Zucker, president-NBC Entertainment. "It's out of control right now."

The Queer Eye premise: One straight man agrees to have his lifestyle, hair, clothing and accessories made over by five gay men dubbed the Fab Five. All are experts in different areas -- grooming, food and wine, fashion, culture and interior design.

Jay Leno makeover
On July 24 Bravo parent NBC aired a Queer Eye special that compressed the hourlong cable show into a 30-minute-long program. Mr. Zucker said NBC plans one more Queer Eye special, and it will feature the boys from the show making over the Tonight Show host, AdAge.com has learned.

The makeover monster hit was originally launched with small product-placement deals -- Diesel jeans, Redken hair products, Wilson Leather, along with small salons and restaurants that don't normally advertise on TV. Now, said Vivi Zigler, senior vice president of marketing and advertising for the series, more mainstream consumer marketing companies are looking for tie-ins.

'Anointing' brands "Yes, I have clients that want to get in on the show," said Rich Yaffa, president of the Leverage Group, a division of Mediaedge:cia. "You have experts on the show who are recommending products. These experts are anointing brands." But, he added, "how this will drive sales is another question."

"When Bravo first brought it out I know that a lot of clients wanted in," said Laura Caraccioli-Davis, vice president and director at Starcom Entertainment. "Lots of marketers with products in interior decorating, makeover and clothing showed interest." She added, "It's the perfect vehicle for retailers."

Indeed, Ms. Zigler said retailers "are interested in having a Queer Eye presence in their stores," although she wouldn't disclose specific names. "We are sifting through those inquiries."

Infomercial issue
"The show lends itself to product placement," said David Collins, a Queer Eye executive producer. "We are showing, for example, the process of how to shave, as opposed to what blade to use. And that is a way of creatively having balance in the show, so that you don't become one big infomercial."

Mr. Collins said he is nearing a marketing deal with an alcoholic beverage. Already Queer Eye has used product placement for Disaronno Originale Amaretto, and Disaronno runs TV spots on Bravo.

P&G's Whitestrips
Procter & Gamble Co.'s Crest Whitestrips already has an early start with product placement in the show. Whitestrips has targeted gay men in magazine ads and considers them part of the brand's core consumer base, but it sees Queer Eye primarily as a way to reach women, the spokesman said.

In fact, Bravo initially marketed the show to women 18 to 49 as its primary target, with a secondary target of gay men. In its third week, the show attracted, according to Nielsen, 2.8 million total viewers and 2.1 million adults age 18 to 49. That made it the No. 1-rated program among adults 18 to 49 on ad-supported cable during its time slot.

NBC's version earned a 3.3 rating and 10 share among adults 18 to 49 and attracted 6.9 million viewers. It was second after CBS's CSI.

Content is key
Scout Productions, Queer Eye's production company, is eyeing marketing partners, but said it won't blink when it comes to content. "The hook of the show is the story," said Mr. Collins. "We never want that interfered with because of product placement."

Not everyone, however, is sold on Queer Eye. Mitch Kanner, a partner with Integrated Entertainment Partners, Beverly Hills, said the show is "too obvious an environment [for product placement]. ... Not all programming lends itself to integration."
~ ~ ~
Jack Neff contributed to this report.

Butch, Butch Bush!

Commentary by Maureen Dowd for
The New York Times

Let's get it straight. The president and the pope aren't riding the new gay wave.

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman," said President Bush last week. "And I think we ought to codify that one way or the other. And we've got lawyers looking at the best way to do that." Trying to add a tolerant note to an intolerant policy, he allowed that he was "mindful that we're all sinners."

Last time I checked, we had separation of church and state, so I don't know why the president is talking about sin, or why he is implying that gays who want to make a permanent commitment in a world full of divorce and loneliness are sinners.

If we follow Mr. Bush's logic, shouldn't we have a one-strike-and-you're-out constitutional amendment: no marriage for gays, but no second marriage for straights who prove they're not up to it?

The Vatican, always eager to erase lines between church and state, warned Catholic lawmakers it would be "gravely immoral" to vote for gay marriage or gay adoption. Such preaching seems tinny coming after revelations about the scope of homosexuality in the priesthood.

Until last week's denunciations, this had been a giddy Summer of Gays. First the Supreme Court blessing. Then Hollywood's raft of gay-themed projects, from J.Lo's lesbian turn in "Gigli" to the Bravo reality shows "Boy Meets Boy" and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

"Queer Eye," the summer makeover hit, on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, features five gay guys who swoop in to give the Cinderfella treatment to unexfoliated straight guys, while scattering catty comments about their grooming and decor, such as, "This place screams women's correctional facility."

Maybe we should pity President Bush, stranded in his 50's world of hypermasculinity as his country goes gay and metrosexual (straight men with femme tastes like facials). Even the uptight Wal-Mart stores have expanded antidiscrimination policy to protect gay employees, and Bride's magazine is offering its first feature on same-sex weddings.

Maybe the president and his swaggering circle should think about a "Queer Eye" makeover. I asked a gay political reporter friend if he could offer some tips:

On the vice president: "I'd love to see Cheney with a pierced ear and a diamond stud. Or in a body-hugging black T-shirt, just for the pure sport of it.

"He needs new eyewear. With his big face and lantern jaw, he should lose those five-pound glasses. There are some fabulous frames out there.

"About his hair, all I can offer is my sincere regrets."

On the defense secretary: "In his own sort of antediluvian way, Rummy is a metrosexual. He works. He may be a warmonger, he may be intemperate, but just about every third woman I know wants him."

When it came to the president's possibilities, he got really excited: "Cowboy boots are fine for a certain kind of saucy backyard barbecue. But wearing them as often as he does, with those big belt buckles in the shape of Texas, it seems like he's trying too hard to prove his masculinity.

"He's definitely on the right track with low-stress weight lifting, but if he really wants a physique for the ages, a little yoga would help uncoil that gunslinger hunch.

"His hair is too tightly clipped. It looks painted on. And he's a huge squinter. The corner of his eyes are starting to look lined. Botox alert!

"He needs to dip into the merciful world of cosmetic products and avail himself of some kind of lip balm or gloss that helps mask the fact that he misplaced his lips somewhere.

"In open-collar shirts, he has a tiny little island of lost chest hair. It is too low to be a shaving oversight and too high to be a peripheral outgrowth of Alec Baldwin chest mat. It's neither fish nor fowl, so he should wax it out of there.

"Everything else about him just shouts `Butch, butch, butch!' But to throw Bush a metrosexual bone, whenever you see him walking off Air Force One with that little furball Barney under his arm, that canine puff of air that most drag queens wouldn't be caught dead with, it's like he's halfway to a Chanel rabbit fur handbag.

"Bush does such a good job of seeming blissfully laid back and vacantly bubbly that he might as well go blond. It might help with California's electoral votes, too."

Copyright 2003 The New York Times Company

Midsummer Night's Party

Earlier today, I got an email from someone who was at the Midsummer Night's Dream Party at the Playboy Mansion last night. My life is definitely not as exciting as hers.

I have only been to the Playboy Mansion for a party once (not an actual Playboy party thrown by Hef, though Hef and his girls were there) a couple of years ago. Somewhere in my giant box of photos, I have pictures of me with the Dahm Triplets (I'm larger than all 3 of them combined, I think!), as well as a snapshot of me in the Grotto. (Count your blessings that I stayed fully-clothed all night... not that there was an iota of a chance that I might have gotten naked, but I know someone out there is going to ask... so don't e-mail me asking for the naked Playboy Party pictures, because there aren't any.)

The menagerie was cool, but it was a bit too "exotic" for my taste (too many roaches running around, eek!). At the end of the night, I hung out in the Game Room with Tricky (the band that was playing that night) and challenged people to games of Ms. Pac-Man until my eyes dried out and had to go home. What a party girl I am, whoo hoo!

That was two years ago & definitely not as exciting as any of the parties Hef throws. These days I seem to work-work-work too much and definitely don't go out as much as I used to. In fact, I had to miss Fran's birthday party last night and stayed home to catch up on work for a client. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRAN & MIKEY!)

Once in a while, I do get out & tonight Yoshi and I were lucky enough to be invited to a (much less glamorous than the Playboy) Midsummer Night's (Dinner) Party tonight. Instead of beautiful women and celebrities, our party was swarming with beautiful gay guys and not-at-all famous people.

Even though our Midsummer's Night's Dinner Party was not nearly as well-known as the Playboy one, I must say these guys threw a dinner party with decor that would rival that of the Playboy Mansion's.

When we got there, we were met at the door by several greeters (from the arts school they run) dressed in bright red "mandarin" costumes. They whisked us in over a walkway covered in rose petals where we were stunned to see the entire backyard decorated with Asian fabrics, paper lanterns, butterflies, and wisteria over and around the hot tub. Dancers were placed just inside the entryway, striking poses & the "wait staff" (all students from the arts school dressed spectacularly in costume) served hors d'oeuvres. Lit candles were everywhere you turned and a table of finger foods sat under a canopy of sheer violet and lavender organza. From the beautifully arranged placesettings, complete with purple flowers & matching printed namecards, to the centerpieces of freshly-cut, meticulously arranged pink roses surrounded with baby's breath; every detail on the tables was perfect!

We were treated to live entertainment as the "wait staff" performed some AMAZING numbers prior to serving a delicious barbecue dinner. They also did a performance utilizing the hot tub (think "O" with a heck of a lot less water) prior to serving dessert (cheesecake bites, yummy!).

With parties like this to go to, I can't really be sad that I've never been invited to one of Hef's parties now, can I?!

P.S.- I forgot to mention that when we got the evite for this party, it was billed as a "casual backyard barbecue." Um, yeah.

$2 million in advertising doesn't change the fact that...

...Fruit2O sucks.

Confessions of an anal-retentive sidekick (by Yoshi, not jozjozjoz)

It must be hard to be involved with someone who is anal-retentive (I checked, there is no real evidence one way or the other about including the hyphen) and proud of it. Especially if you’re not particularly obsessive about the same things as your significant other.

Case in point: jozjozjoz and I have been together for almost three years. I’m a bit OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and she’s, well, not so much. I mean, yes, she does have to use her label maker to assign names to her file folders and keeps copies of every check stub and atm receipt she’s ever gotten, not to mention every single email she’s ever exchanged with anyone, but those fit easily under the heading of ‘highly organized’.

I, on the other hand, must confess to being a bit overboard on the way things have to be in my life. The short list, from not so bad to things-that-make-even-my-best-friend-think-I’m-a-lunatic:

1. my cd’s are in alphabetical order by genre.
2. my t-shirts are hung in my closet by color and sleeve length, along the color spectrum.
3. I never make any creases in the spines of paperback books when I read them.
4. there are no kinks or twists in any of the electrical cords in my house. they’re all wrapped neatly around themselves or held together with a zip tie.
5. i clean my tennis shoes with an orange cleaner/degreaser and a crest electric toothbrush.
6. my calendar of events is color coded.
7. the money in my wallet all faces the same direction, with small bills at the front, big bills behind.
8. I chew on alternating sides of my mouth when I eat or chew gum.
9. each mp3 in my collection’s regular folders is filed by artist, album, track number and track title. Any file without these characteristics is in my ‘research/not filed’ folder.
10. I put 2 year’s worth of my mother’s magazines in order chronologically before I recycled them.

Ok, so I’m sure there are many more things that jozjozjoz could tell you about my tendencies, but these are the ones I could think of on the fly. Funny how capitalization isn’t high on my list.

Why am I getting blamed for pushing porn?

Recently, I was talking to Kristina and she told me that she spent "way too much time surfing at 89.com" that day. (Can you blame her? Free porn!)

She tells me this because she found the link to that site on my blog a while back. When she said this, I felt partly responsible for her wasting her day online, as if I had inadvertently led my friend astray or down some dirty, perverted path.

I realized that I'm starting to get a reputation for frequently putting porn or profanity on my site, so I think that I need to clarify a few things:

First of all, I did not put the link to this site (the first time), Yoshi did. (Remember, ::jozjozjoz:: is not the only one who writes here!)

Second, it's not like I regularly put "Hollywood's Hottest Nudes" or naked pictures of celebrities on this site. (Maybe I should. It might improve traffic and attract a whole new segment of readers???) I mean, yes, I have posted my own tittie shot and had Obscene Swimsuit Man, and an occasional sexy girlie picture, but this is by no means a sex or porn site. I also pimp my friends from time to time, but usually for stuff like people selling their panties, if they've made movies, or if they're running for Governor or something.

Third, I can be pretty profane, but I try to write so that the smutty language is usually quite choice.

I don't want to have to put disclaimers everywhere on this site and I don't want to have some sort of reputation for putting links to pornography or girlie bikini pictures here. (I usually save all that stuff for when I guest blog at Mikey2's, anyway.)

Ok, I don't really mind getting blamed for pushing porn. I actually think it's pretty amusing, especially considering my reaction to "Do it Debbie's Way." And seriously, aside from being a big dork or weirdo, what kind of reputation *do* I have?